Okay, I know how this game works. To stay hip, to stay relevant you’ve got to discuss what’s on everyone’s mind and what’s on everyone’s mind at the moment is Avengers. So I used my wit, my wealth and my connections to track down a copy for review today. I shall be talking about the fractious team fighting against the odds to save the world. The monsters, the myths and the legends. Unfortunately seen as how it’s my wit, wealth and charm on show here; the best I could manage was …..
Now this isn’t like some magical offshoot of the normal Marvel group, nor is it a dark gritty version of the normal Marvel group neither of which comics seem to need right now. No this is pretty much what it says on the tin.
Person 1: What’s hot right now?
Person 2: Avengers!
Person 1: And?
Person 2: Fairy tales transported to the modern world
Person 1: Right, stick those two things together and let’s knock off for lunch.
This is an Asylum movie and that means low budget rip off of whatever’s hot right now, in the hopes that someone will pick up the wrong box next time they’re at HMV. Creators of such hits as Atlantic Rim and Almighty Thor this is right up their alley-way because like with ‘War if the Worlds’ and ‘Sherlock Holmes’ everything in this movie is license free which means they don’t have to pay anyone for stealing them. So without further ado let’s get this over with.
We open in a faraway land of cgi villages and sweeping forests where Casper Van Dien is storming the castle with an army of people with bags on their heads. Meanwhile Snow White is desperately using the magic mirror to locate her husband the king. She can’t find him because Casper has killed him and is carrying the head sized sack to prove it. We can’t see said head because that would probably break the budget so we get a cheap looking crown instead. Casper is there because he wants to use said mirror to travel to another world, apparently mirrors can do that. Why he didn’t just ask nicely isn’t really established, anyway some bizarre rough and tumble and they both fall through whilst the Big Bad Wolf (who in this version is just a bald guy with an eye brow piercing and tattoo sleeve) watches “growling”. Once they are gone, here comes the rescue party consisting of Sleeping Beauty; now wide awake. Rapunzel; now a red head and using her hair as a mace and someone I believe is apparently Cinderella; now with purple hair and not much to do in the plot. They are here to save their friend Snow with their “Princess Powers”, these powers involve Sleeping Beauty being able to put people to sleep, Snow White having ice powers and Cinderella having whatever powers the plot calls for. Rapunzel doesn’t get any powers except for really long hair which doesn’t seem fair. Oh and they are all immune to Casper’s brain controlling abilities, which I thinks means they just did a script read, noticed the gaping plot hole of why he didn’t just do that and added the line in in post. Oh yes and there is Red Riding hood, who doesn’t have any princess powers so instead gets a bow and a grudge against the Big Bad Wolf.
Anyway they get into a scuffle and fall through the mirror after them, but using the old time inside is longer than time outside mechanic, we find that Casper is now in charge of the city with his finger in every dirty pie and Snow White has an Aston Martin. Which seems about even to me.
The only other person in the movie we need to worry about is Iron John, running several gangs out of an old building site, John is presented as a decent enough guy holding his fellow workers together once Casper shut the site, and many like it, down. This makes him an ideal ally for the foursome right? Well no, because reasons. Thus he becomes the other muscle to Casper’s Big Bad Wolf.
People often say with these kind of movies that it’s an excuse for the cast to have a good time with a silly story and that infectious fun can often be the reason people buy into them. Well not so here. This is as plain as I made it sound at the start. Nobody seems to be trying to elevate their dialogue or add more to it than they have too. Nobodies particularly bad it’s just is what it says on the tin. Even when they drag the Hulk into this, shave his head and paint him grey it just seems to be going through the motions. The special effects could be beaten by any mid nineties pc title and the make up effects come up twice. One of which is painting Lou Ferrigno all over like a bond girl and the other is to give people under Caspers control panda eyes.
This could have been a fun romp, an enjoyable B picture starting with using the more interesting sounding title of ‘Rumpelstiltskin must die’ they use near the end. But then it wouldn’t be an Asylum movie then would it. They say that with a budget low enough you can always make it back, I say that’s probably true but don’t be the one to help them.
Verdict: A possibility for an inebriated late night a pass for anything else.
Thanks for reading and don’t forget to show a little C.L.a.S.S