What is Mythica: A quest for heroes?

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From Jason Faller and Kynan Griffin, Mythica does not set out to reinvent the fantasy genre, it doesn’t even want to go past the shoreline of the fantasy genre and keeps its rubber ring and armbands on at all times just in case. So why watch something so cookie cutter? Well because it’s not actually that bad. Dare I say it, it’s actually good~ish

The movie opens on a battlefield obscured by bad filters and CGI smoke, because dry ice is just too damn expensive these days. Straight away you know what you are getting into, orcs bad, priests good. This massacre of the white robes might not be too bad except it turns out they have a cave troll. Why did they feel the need to bring this giant uncontrollable Troll along with them why they are clearly winning hands down? “Foreshadowing!”

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After the big bad sucks out the head priests soul, or memories or something, one lone priestess makes a run for it, seeking help to save her people, on a quest for heroes you might say.

This leads us to our main star a crippled slave called ‘Merica practising Alchemy in her master kitchen, or just trying to make a soup as it seems to be rather cold outside and she isn’t allowed to wear any shoes. This is because she is horribly scarred and disfigured, with a bad foot that will be covered for much of the movie by cloaks, shoes, dresses and camera angles from the waist upward.

Still in her quest for chicken soup she manages to summon a level one fireball and a puff of smoke that looks like an eagle, or snake or who knows it’s just a cloud.

This explosion rocks their cgi village and brings their bucktoothed master scrambling back, you can tell he is bad because he is bucktoothed, well that and he calls her gimp and later tries to beat her senseless but it’s mostly the buck teeth thing. He orders Martin from ‘Standard Action’ to head into town for this weeks shopping but she offers to go instead. Apparently she is a slave that can get away with wandering off for at least a few hours without anyone noticing, much like me at work. While away she opts to visit the great wizard Kevin Sorbo also known as Sir not-appearing-in-this-film. Who spends two seconds on film before leaving, maybe that was all they could afford.

He does tell her of a tavern where she might be able to find work however but she decides that she couldn’t get that far on her own and sets off home instead. Unfortunately she can’t even get that far on her own and must be saved from a gang of roaming pimps by the Viking-ish city guard Wayne and takes a roll in the hay with a rogue. While the fight against the pimps is decent enough and fits the story both now and later on the Rogue is clearly just there to drop off his card on the off chance she needs a rogue on any epic quests later on.

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Once home she is beaten for being out past curfew and seen as how Martin just hides in a corner with his fingers in his ears she does the only thing she can and sucks out his soul. She grabs a conveniently made leg brace that means she doesn’t have to hobble quite as dramaticaly throughout the entire movie and heads off to the most stereotypical fantasy tavern in the history of b-movies. Now this wouldn’t be too bad except nobody there seems to know how to drink, oh they can laugh okay, and chatter decently enough and even pull off an okay sex/fight scene but not one of them can act drinking with any conviction and I’m not talking about drinking strong spirits. It’s like they couldn’t be bothered to mop up the set at the end of the day and thus you end with more convincing slurping of liquid at little girls tea parties.

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Anyway who should turn up by the priestess from earlier looking for a band of adventurers to help save her people. Considering she is only offering 200 silver which is more like a first level reward for clearing out some rodents of unusual size nobody bothers to take her up on this offer. Well except for ‘Merica of course. She offers her service and with no better offers on the table she accepts so long as she can have a party here by tomorrow night. Which means we have a lvl 1 wizard lfg. Fortunately she knows where to find one. I say fortunately as even though she’s met them before it’s a bit of stretch that she manages to track them down quite so easily. Wayne is now sat in a cage outside of town for going against the Pimps guild and the Rogue is in some woman’s bedroom two floors up in the centre of town. Now sure Wayne we saw on the way to pub, we didn’t save him then even though he risked his life for her she didn’t need him at the time. The Rogue once again however is the stretch and even when they have him it’s hard to understand why he stays with them at one point resorting to calling him chicken. Still both for whatever reason are willing to go along with this noobie for promises of dignity and less than half the reward money meaning that in this world dignity and an empty sack might be worth a bit more than just an empty sack going against every rule of acquisition, well against one of them anyway.

Thus the four man party set out to free the priests and claim any loot along the way, okay so all they manage to find is a chest in cave containing a fancy hat and a sex toy but what do you expect for their first quest a mithrill shirt?

Well what you can expect is sarcasm and wit and a rapidly depleting budget that means the computer effects look worse the further on we go. The story is nothing to write home about though there are instances of world building either carefully laid out or just randomly chucked in to make the film seem more interesting. Dragon eggs are paraded through town, though you can’t see them and a poster which I presume was equating witches with devils but came off looking like promoting a boxing match between the two made me wish I could hang around the world longer.

This isn’t great and it isn’t epic even if they do have to have the, now, obligatory walking scene shoved into the middle. Does anyone else remember when fantasy movies used to be all chase scenes and rock climbing, nobody bothered showing any walking unless they were about to walk into something. God dam you Peter Jackson!

Anyway where was I, oh yes, Mythica: A quest for heroes, worth the four quid you’ll pay for it, ish.

Well until next time.

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