Okay no spiel, no build up on this one, no stalling just straight onto my review of ‘Fire and Ice’
No not that one. God damn it internet you had one job.
The ‘Fire and Ice’ we will be looking at today is a syfy channel original direct to dvd affair from Mediapro pictures. Not that you’d know it, their logo disappears quicker than the Flash heading to the toilet after too many drinks. Fortunatly it’s replaced by Amy Acker whose warmth and empathy can make Shakespeare relatable. Unfortunately she is “doing” a “British” accent but I suppouse there must be some hardship in every bodies life and this is mine. She is a Princess, but thanks to a lefty King she is not a typical princess and is allowed such luxuries as horse riding, self defence lessons and pants! Unfortunalty she seems a little too thankful for these freedoms you or I might take for granted as she then promptly spends most of dinner making eyes at her Dad. Fortunatly we’re saved from this scene by a Dragon attack. Now everyone had already copyrighted all the decent looking dragons and apparantly taken all the money and animators capable of rendering them so we get a Dragon that has either escaped from a playstation 1 or my copy of ‘Conquest of Nerath‘. This weird flying dairylea slice is a fire dragon and it is very annoyed, for some reason, so it decides to burn the town to the ground. Now the guards are pretty much useless and the King doesn’t have a clue but fortunatly the Princess is able to use her ability to wear pants to save them. Well save one, small child, via piggy back, after hiding from the fire breathing dragon under a pile of kindling.
Despite all this the town lives to fight another day, or week anyway as the dragon returns next week to do the same again and again and again. Soon we are stealing loaves of bread from orphan puppies and things are looking desperate.
Fortunatlly the evil King Duloc is on hand to take them in and protect them from the dragon in exchange for their undying love and some cookies or something. Honestly it was kind of hard to pay attention at this point as the main way you can tell he is evil is by his lack of acting. Honestly this seems to be main motif of the movie. If you’re a goodie you can act if you’re a baddie you can’t. This wouldn’t be so bad but we have a few switcheroos in the cast, to try and make the plot interesting, and both follow this rule depending on what side they are on as in down to gaining or loosing their acting abilities at the right moment for the reveal. Not that it is easy to tell with some of the “actors” in this movie, but it’s there trust me.
Unwilling to take him up on his offer the King remembers that there is a dragon slaying knight like five minutes walk away. However they can not call upon him because he got discarded as a knight some time ago and there is a rule about using non union workers. Which is probably ironic considering many of the “actors” in the movie. Now why was he discarded you may ask, because Duloc didn’t like him.
Now fortunately Acker is a smart girl, as are all allowed to wear pants, and decides to screw the silly nonsensical rules and go after him anyway. Here she meets Professor Arturo, no doubt still trying to get home after getting left behind in a disastrous sliding accident. Stuck for now on this world he apparently became squire to the dragon slaying knight who is now unfortunately dead. Luckily the Knight left behind some dragon slaying details, like the fact that Dragons carry their eggs around between their eyes and operate on a one to one life death ratio, with parents dying to give life to their one egg. He also left behind his son, who has been living with Arturo in a hole in the ground like five feet outside the city presumably since birth. Along with the invention of the Holy Hand Grenade it is up to these three heroes to save their kingdom, defeat the evil King and return peace to the land.
This isn’t the worst direct to dvd fantasy movie I’ve seen but it’s far from the best. It manages to feel to full of itself for a light hearted D&D esque adventure and it’s too straight forward and bland for anything else. Trying to grasp the plot is like Grand Moff Tarkins control of the Imperial aligned worlds with the tighter your grip the more sense will slip through your fingers.
Nothing makes too much sense, you know where everything is going miles away, even if they apparently do not and everybody, probably including you acts on an out of sight out of mind policy. Even Acker struggles in this role so unless you want to see “Sallah” duel wielding broadswords then move along.
Oh who am I kidding, everyone wants to watch that.