What is Survivor (2014)?

Standard

We start with an orbital skydive straight out of Star Trek and end with ‘The Planet of the Apes‘ but the question is, what do we have in the middle?

Oh yeah Spoilers, by the way, for…………………………………………………….

Survivor15

 

Well it turns out that the free fall was just a dream, or a flash forward or whatever to get us through the first few minutes of exposition. It turns out that Cern and their newfangled super collider managed to knock Earth off her axis (Damn it Brian Cox) so they turned on a few more particle accelerators to see if that would help and that just vaporised all the water.

Brian Cox

So in the grand traditions of Humans everywhere they jumped ship and left. Well jumped on ships, seven to exact, and went out to search for some new Earths to screw up.

Survivor1

We join the crew of one such ship several years later, how many it is difficult to tell with all the faster than light travel they have been doing through wormholes and the like. But the captain is old enough to remember Earth and doing some light cattle rustling in his youth while the twenty something year old lead isn’t old enough to remember what a horse even is so make of that what you will.

Kate as she is called, is one of many on the ship who has to train in the holodeck and learn in the white room from the matrix. These look cheap but not as cheap as the ship which is all cgi backdrop so don’t complain. They are training for the day they find a new Earth and apparently have to take it in some kind of slow-mo “extreme” paint ball/ laser tag tournament. Due to how much time they have spent training and how little time they have spent actually colonising any new planets they are all understandably a little peeved off by this point. Well all except for Kate who still, like any good protagonist, holds onto hope. That and the captain is kind of her uncle.

Speaking of the captain, it’s our old friend Kevin Sorbo, this time playing the wise old mentor to the young female lead. It’s different this time because a) it’s in space b) he was friends with her Dad, meaning it is a bit more dramatic when he leaves (not least because he leaves by exploding spaceship and c) it’s in space. Which means I can tell you how cheap the ship is; Kevin was probably looking back on Andromeda fondly, recalling the “great sets” and “awesome special effects”.

Survivor3

Anyway the ship explodes because as far as I can tell they fly into some rocks, why are they flying toward some rocks, well they have picked up a signal, the first in eons and it is coming from a habitable world owned by Mad Max cosplayers and pointy orcs, so they load up the shuttle and head off to investigate. What they find is, well a studio that couldn’t afford the shooting permits for Vasquez Rocks.

How our lead survives the fall from an exploding ship in orbit around the planet with naught but a tight leather jumpsuit, I don’t know.

Survivor4

Still she manages it, because it would be a rather short and boring movie otherwise and luckily her apple I-watch is still working too and she has full bars so she can call her friends and find that they too survived the fall from outer space. Not that they will survive for much longer however as they are currently sat in a sinking section of ship.

Survivor5

She runs over to find most of the survivors dead, those that aren’t, are dying and her compassion and care kicks in with the worst bed side manner I have ever seen. Her slap to knock some sense into the would be number two is equally appalling I should say.

Survivor7

Anyway no time to mull over this as they are soon attacked by the aforementioned pointy orcs who manage to beat everyone up and take them captive.

This includes our heroine who promptly wakes up beats up her lone captor with some stick on fire and leaves. She gets a hood and one glove out of this so she is soon off to find more parties to beat up for loot.

Survivor8

Now you may think that the movie here starts to focus on how she frees her fellow shipmates from the pointy orcs. Nope, they’re gone, get over it. She however has found a planet so it is up to her to find the emergency distress beacon and activate it so that the mother ship can come and set up home and start terraforming the Earth, getting some of those sweet natural resources out from under the crust.

So using her smart watch to scan for edible plant life she snags three berries and sets on a day long run. This seems like ample sustenance for someone to me. Before setting up the signal however she manages to find other things to help her like a horse and a hunky native, in that order.

Survivor6

Okay so that’s enough of the plot spoiled for you onto the review itself. I’ve got to say ‘meh’. And bear in mind that I mean that within the bounds of schlock b-movies. Even Mythica was better than this and that didn’t have to borrow cgi monsters to make ends meet. Well okay I guess it did as this came out over a year before that one so that stole the demon dog from this one and it does make a bit more sense here as they try to blend it in with the costumed pointy orcs but still and yes Sorbo does have more to do here (just) and some of the fight scenes are very nice, okay one of the fight scenes is very nice. Still I think the dialogue isn’t as good and with nobody to really bounce off the main character comes across as a little boring to be fair. Still I can’t say I didn’t get my three pounds worth of entertainment out of it. None of the actors stand out, including Kevin Sorbo which might be why they rushed him off set so quickly in next years Mythica.

This one is a bit more consistent I think but it isn’t consistently good. Still could be worse, it could be After Earth. Yeah I think it’s safe to say that Kevin beats Will this time around and well the cgi orc dog beats Jaden.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s