What is ‘Sleeping Beauty: 2014’?

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So after one success, one meh and a long line of upcoming dread it’s time once more for a live action remake of a Disney Classic. This time it’s for………………………………………………

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Okay so this one isn’t a Disney remake but the Asylum trying to cash in on Maleficent with a bottle episode fantasy film shot on a shoe string and not, despite what you may hope, a prequel to ‘Avengers Grimm‘. Written, starring and directed by our other, other favourite b-movie lead Casper Van Dien along with half his family going off the imdb page. The movie follows Lord ‘Iron Fist’ Tyrell as whipping boy to the king. A whipping boy’s role was to stand in as the prince’s botty when he was going to go across someones knee with the belief that while he needed to be punished for any misdemeanour he of course could not actually be struck what with being Gods representative on Earth. The thing is this doesn’t really work when said prince is in his mid to late twenties and his father is still around. It also doesn’t work when the prince in question is dishing out the punishments but fortunately the movie calls him out on this one.

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Said whipping boy goes off for a sulk and to dunk his backside in a bucket of ice but manages to stumble across a map to a long forgotten kingdom. The kingdom of sleeping beauty. Who wrote these notes after the princess has already gone into a deep sleep and ensured that they were not only snatched up by birds but all flown to the same nest and woven into it’s fabric over 100 years after being written? Let’s just say it’s part of the plot of the evil witch shall we. It makes a little more sense. I guess. Said queen being Queen Tambria played by noted voice actress Olivia d’Abo in such a pantomime performance that I kept instinctively booing and hissing whenever she came on screen. It seems in this tale that the silly old witch got herself locked in the castle when everyone else fell asleep and can’t even murder the titular character while she’s there. Something she needs our intrepid band of adventurous for once she’s finished chucking sea monsters and zombies after them.

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So after breaking in our snivelling prince, his whipping boy and the other royal redshirts begin their quest to kiss the girl and get the kingdom. The ideas behind this movie actually almost work, the low fantasy quest, dark nature and so forth could probably produce a decent enough movie and should be pinched by every wannabe DM for their next campaign right away. Here however it’s just a mess and that’s ignoring the PS1 level cgi. The twists and turns come at random and manage to be both completely pulled out of their arse and yet so predictable. The cast lurch from one scene to the next with little in the way of rhyme or reason as they struggle to work their decent set, decent actors and decent enough ideas into a decent~ish movie. Trust me when I say this is a pass. I don’t care if you love bad movies, enjoy low rent fantasy or are just searching for a hunk of cheese.

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